Saturday 8 November 2014

VALOR IN LITTLE VICTORIES

Victory isn’t a word often associated with mental illness.  Those who struggle with mental illness frequently have feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and worthlessness.  As someone who lives with depression, I can attest to the paralyzing fear – sometimes triggered by seemingly benign situations.  How could making breakfast be scary? What is so terrifying about doing laundry (providing you’re not doing it in a stream in the wilds of Africa next to a pride of hungry lions!)?  And unless you’ve had a traumatic experience akin to “Psycho” in the shower, what in the world is so bloody (pardon the pun) terrifying about getting clean? These fears usually aren’t rational, but they are nonetheless debilitating.  So, when you actually summon up enough pluck to leave the house and do a couple of simple errands, it’s a BIG DEAL!

Fast forward to a recent Sunday morning.  I left the house to get cigarettes (yes, I know…let me deal with one life change at a time) and a PSL from Starbucks that I really didn’t need.  It was crazy busy when I walked in – two months ago, my anxiety would’ve made me turn around and go home.  But, after being in therapy for a while, I was happy to wait.  As I watched the people in line ahead of me, I noticed that two of the baristas were people I knew from previous jobs.  I took the risk of saying hello, (sometimes pretty scary when you’re not in the best headspace) and that led to a quick chat with each of them.  It also led to a couple of job leads (something else that’s been front of mind lately).  Little victory #1!

As I later approached the convenience store, a woman held the door for me and told me “Come on in” while I was still 10 feet away.  How lovely! To have such a genuine heartfelt interaction with a complete stranger, was certainly unexpected and boosted my blossoming mood even more! Little victory #2! 

Something I’ve been discovering as of late, is that a little momentum goes a LONG way…the snowball effect, without an avalanche or B-movie plot attached!  If I hadn’t gone out to do two small errands, not only would I be sitting at home feeling my usual lowness, not to mention going into nicotine withdrawal, but I Wouldn’t have reconnected with two very nice people, AND I may have missed an potential employment opportunity in the process. 

Needless to say, that rapidly growing snowball inspired me to come home and write – something my therapists highly recommend.
I’m celebrating the little victories, in hopes of attracting more…

With hope,
Rhonda



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